Today, I’d like to start by making explicit one of the implicit assumptions that I realize has been underlying much of what I write here, and then talking through one of the consequences of it. That assumption is: The way we talk about things in our lives to other people simultaneously reflects and influences how we talk about those things to ourselves. If you’ve been reading along for a while, or if you listen to me talk, you know that I’m a huge believer in compassionate and positive self-talk as a way to control our mindset and live better lives as a result. Done properly, the practice of mirror affirmations is a kind of boot-camp for this sort of positive self-talk.

One of those negative ways of talking about things that I often hear—from clients, from friends, from people I sponsor—is “I really need to change …” or “I really need to start …” or “I really need to stop …” or something like that. I’ve seen and heard this literally hundreds of times (possibly thousands), in a huge variety of areas:

I need to start meditating.

I need to lose weight.

I need to eat better.

I need to exercise more.

I need to get more organized.

I need to go back to school.

I must confess that I cringe a bit inside (and maybe outside too) whenever I hear this. Why? Because the success rate for this sort of proclamation sucks. Once someone gets to the “I have to” line of thinking, it’s profoundly demotivating. If you’re telling yourself that you need to change some habit of yours in some way, no matter how heartfelt you are when you say that, odds are that 6 months from now, you’re going to be doing exactly the same things that you’re doing now.

Why? In my experience, the reason that this is probably not going to work for you is one (or more) of three major reasons.

The first is that it doesn’t address the reasons for your current behavior. Say that you believe that you need to stop eating so much salty food. Maybe you’ve been told by a doctor that your blood pressure is too high, or whatever, and you really believe that your health depends on reducing your intake of salt.

Great! That’s an awesome goal. But, what benefits are you getting out of your current salt consumption? Do you get a sense of comfort? Something to keep your mind occupied? A distraction in social situations? Something to do with your hands while you watch the game? If you’re not addressing those benefits in some other way, chances are that you’re going to go back to getting them in the way that you’re used to.

Second, in my experience, this sort of self-talk provokes a sense of obligation and powerlessness, which then provokes a sense of resentment, which then undermines the desire to change. Taking the salt example a little further, look at the self-talk examples below: it’s pretty easy to take each individual step along the path, but once you get to the end you’re really not in a mindset that’s conducive to positive change:

“I need to stop eating so much salt.”

to:

“I need to stop eating so much salt because my doctor told me to.”

to:

“I need to eat the way my doctor tells me to.”

to:

“I need to let my doctor choose what I eat.”

to:

“I can’t even choose what I eat for myself anymore!”

Finally, the last reason that this sort of self-talk doesn’t work (which ties directly into the solution) is that it doesn’t focus on the benefits. If you do make the change that you’re thinking about, what positive effects will you see in your life as a result? Will you be more able to do things you want to do? Feel less anxious about your future? Feel more confident interacting with others? Like I talked about in my most recent piece on New Year’s Resolutions, focusing on the positive can be a great way to keep our motivation up during the inevitable difficult times.

Now, if you’re currently in the “I need to change” mindspace, don’t despair. I have seen times when this does end up working as the starting point for change (although typically people need to address the three issues above at some point along the way, and the sooner the better.) In the times when I have seen this work as a starting point, there’s usually some sort of dramatic crisis or realization that is provoking the need to change. A friend of mine used to call this the Zeroth Step (as in, the step that comes before the First Step). What’s that, I hear you say? Tune in next week and I’ll be talking about it.